Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff, PhD (section 2 – chapter 6)
The most powerful type of motivation studied is called Intrinsic Motivation. It requires 3 ingredients:
- A sense of connectedness, belonging to a team or family. Studies show that when a child feels connected to a teacher, they will want to work harder in that class. Same principle applies in family & home responsibilities – the more connected a child feels with their family, the more they will want to work with us on family chores.
- Sense of autonomy. Don’t force the activity, and don’t force it to last longer than they want to participate.
- Sense of competency. A child needs to feel capable of something, and making progress at it, in order to stay motivated. Constant frustration or lack of progress is an obstacle, as is doing something that is so simple that it becomes boring. The task must be challenging enough to stay interested, but easy enough to feel competent doing it.
Acknowledge the child’s contribution (section 2 – chapter 6)
When a child sees that their contribution matters, and helps the family, there is more motivation to do it again. Note: the child will contribute at the level they can – avoid re-doing the child’s work or un-doing what they have done. Instead observe and then build on their work and expand it. This is called “fluid collaboration.” Strive for a mindset of learning and improving together. Minimal talking, minimal resistance, minimal conflict.
Acknowledge the child’s contribution by connecting the child with learning and their increasingly mature role in the family. “Great job sweeping” is not as motivating as “you have really learned to work” or “you are really growing up!”
TL;DR: Practice, Model, Acknowledge.
Caution regarding praise: Non-verbal facial expressions (smiles, nods, raised eyebrows) communicate approval better than “good job”. Verbal praise, given too freely & frequently, undermines a child’s intrinsic motivation. It can also breed competition between siblings.